... almost 4 years ago I held my breath and jumped. These words were circling my head. They were a response to the nasty voice that had been asking me for years - “who do you think you are?”. I have mentioned before that I have an almost paralyzing, definitely unrealistic expectation of perfection for myself. To the point that I often will walk away from something that is exciting, or inspiring simply because I am afraid that what I end up creating will not be “perfect” by my standards. I am not going to go into the many years of therapy or all the years of growing up with these external pressures and expectations and where they all stem from, but I will say that after all of the self reflection and hard work I have done in attempt to embrace the imperfections, and love me and everyone and everything for who and what they are, is absolutely liberating. I’m still not perfect at this ;-) — pretty sure this will be a life long practice.

If I go back in time even further, about 12 years ago, an amazing friend saw something in me, that I didn’t or maybe couldn’t at the time. We spent hours at her dining room table, working along side each other, creating in anyway that was flowing that day. It was my most favorite time. It was a break from my reality. I was seriously struggling at that time with being a new mom for the 3rd time and having to get right back to work running my own freelance business that HAD to provide. I had lost all sense of self and I was totally fried. Looking back I see now that I was dealing with a bit of postpartum depression.

This creative time spent with my friend was beautiful and life changing for me, or at least it would be many years down the road - more on that in a minute. It was the first time really, that I was creating just for the sake of creating. Just for me, no expectations of perfection. I still have the work created during this time, I actually went back and looked through it the other day, whoa there was some serious $h!t going on there! One day she gave me a book (loaned actually - I still need to give it back). I knew was going to be a good one because she recommended it, but it would sit on my night stand for many years - until 4 years ago to be exact. Curled up in bed one night, unable to quiet my brain, I opened the book and began the work.

During one of my therapy sessions one day, working through the recent loss of my dad, I was talking about this book I had been given and had FINALLY decided to pick it up and work through it. I was so proud of myself! Making a serious effort to change my path. She knew the book! Even better she knew someone who was leading a small group that had just started getting together and working on this book together. I called the organizer as soon as I got in my car and joined the group. I was so excited to be a part of a creative community, something I was really missing. The leader was an artist herself and was working on an instillation piece. She asked us to contribute a piece to it if we wanted. It would be an interactive piece with the viewers. She had hundreds (might be a slight exaggeration) of little white gift boxes that would be mounted to a large wall. The viewer could remove the lid and a long folded heavy paper would come out with an image or message on it. The image above is one side my insert. This is what I had been working through. “Who did I think I was"? How could I possibly think I could be an artist? How did I think I would be any good? Why would my work be special? What was I thinking stepping away from what had been a successful freelance career so far to PAINT? Who did I think I was to think that people would actually support me in this journey? I AM NOT PERFECT! I AM NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ARTIST! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME FOR WHO I AM - AND JUDGE!

This is the backside of my insert. It’s messy and a little all over the place but was a jumping off point for me and I love it.
I wish I still had this little package to pull out as a reminder all of the times I get stuck and am afraid to start.

This is when I realized that I didn’t HAVE to be perfect. This is when I decided to stop being afraid of imperfection, and judgement and actually embrace creativity and vulnerability. This is the energy that gave me the courage to take the leap and jump into my first collection.

This is the point my life changed directions. It only took 8 years for me to see my friend’s support and belief in me as truth and 40 years to believe in and take a chance on myself.

4 years later, in this mess of a world we are living in, this question still presents itself, I think it is a creative’s curse, but I respond by doing not thinking. Looking back on the work I have created over these last 4 years I see that it all has an underlying message of love and acceptance. Allowing myself, and others, to be “perfectly imperfect”. My latest works being ones that are an example of the freedom that comes from letting go of these requirements of perfection and allowing ourselves to play. It is really a beautiful thing!

paintings from my latest collection of minis released Oct. 1, 2020.

HOLY COW I feel like I may have been all over the place with this one! You are so amazing for sitting with me through this. My heart is full of gratitude for you and your support. You are what keeps me creating.

xo,

Leslie

For those of you feeling the call of the creative spirit and are looking for a little push. “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron is AMAZING! This link takes you to Amazon but it would be so wonderful if you called up your locally owned bookstore and bought your copy from them. Times are tough and we all could use the support.

Let’s keep the goodness going, share a book that has inspired you in the comments below.

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT